The Officer's Lounge
at www.dieselduck.net

...a little place to relax and laugh

Engineers have a reputation of being direct, methodical, dry - even boorish. After all, spending four hours clearing the 265 pounds of mussels from the strums boxes does, sometimes, give that appearance.

 

"A rather dull yet productive species, these engineers."
-Capt. Silverton, MV Springtide

 

I would like to submit to the rest of the world that, yes being methodical, careful, even maybe - anal, isn't the best of reputation for a profession. But it's the attention to details that makes great engineers. Really, it is !

 

This page is here to

... to make a you an engineer with a sense of humor ...cheer up your day ...make you the talk of the ship - "you da man" ...make fun of deckies - I know that's too easy, but... ...make marine engineers into social butterflies - well...ok. maybe not

Sailors are simple, light hearted souls, whose load of yesterday is airy as thistle-down today.

- Arthur Mason

Lets begin with practical jokes . . .

The key to a good practical joke is execution - well of course, you say. You need a well meaning eager beaver victim. You need professional cohorts. And you need to be convincing in your setup.

Generally, most practical jokes involve getting some newbie/greenie to do something, which, on shore, would seem absurd, but since it's a ship -it's a custom !

"go get the keys to the chain locker"

The joke is...
the chain locker is a compartment where the anchor chain is stored. It has no keys, doors, or other real need for a "lock" therefore the person will scurry about the ship aimlessly looking for the key.

"go get a gallon of prop wash"

The joke is . . .
There are many chemicals on ships, and every job practically requires a special product. Prop wash is water turbulence aft of the ship created by the propeller therefore a waste of time since its just seawater.

"get me the left handed crescent wrench"

The joke is . . .
There is no such things as a left, or right, handed crescent wrench. Some tools like the crescent and the pipe wrench are designed in a way where someone, i.e.: "deck ape", may find them to be for a left or right hand application. This is not the case. Also works with "brass magnet"

"get me ten feet of shore line"

The joke is . . .
well... seems pretty obvious until your are new to the marine world where every piece of rope has a name, heaving line, spring lines, tie up line, rat line, etc. So it may be easy for the prey to be hesitant, especially if it sounds like an order from a superior.

"go water the captain's rose"

the joke is . . .
Once again the scepticism of the sailor may be quashed by the all mighty authority of your accomplice, the captain. Generally, maps have an insignia designating the position of "north". On a nautical chart, this reference contains a bit more information and is called the "rose" -"chart rose". If the captain plays along, the victim should be running up to the captain's cabin countless times, as the captain is "too busy right now", to water his "garden".

"go grease the relative bearing"

The joke is . . .
Relative bearing is a nautical term - the position of a vessel, navigational aid or such in relation to your vessel. So the victim should get an ear full from the chief engineer when they try to find out where on the ship they should applied the grease they are carrying.

"go blow out the sound powered telephone"

The joke is . . .
This is where naval heritage and modern communication clash. Most ships have modern communication between the compartments, but they also have a simple back up system which is there but seldom used. It's called the sound powered telephone. This device which is very much like a telephone but with a built power supply is a far cry from the sounds tubes used to belch orders from the bridge in old war movies. Some older navy ships may still have them, and unless you're on them, the victim will look silly looking for something to blow out.

"get the HT punches"

The joke is . . .
HT's is the naval designation for "hull tech's" (welders, metallurgists, handymen, gen purpose engineers) These guy would gladly beat the crap out of some poor newbie who came by asking for an HT punch.

Submitted by Mike C.

"get the skyhook"

The joke is . . .
Once again, there is no such thing. A sky hook is an utopian dream of where a block, tackle or anything else could be secured to. Can't secure anything to thin air, so unfortunately, it's just a wish. But it doesn't hurt to send the new guy looking for it.

Submitted by Roger, at http://dnausers.d-n-a.net/dnetkvoc/

"you get the spark watch"

The joke is . . .
You assign the most eager beaver deck cadet to keep an eye on the ships funnel. This will keep the deck cadet busy up on top of the house. Be sure to give him a bucket of water and mop to put the sparks out as they leave the stack. It works best when it is raining. ...you just never know when hot air is going to set a steel ship ablaze !

Submitted by mydk

"go fill the port and starboard nav lights"

The joke is . . .
Obviously this one is gonna get your prey to ask, "huh ?" And at this time you state very officially that they need to take the green oil, and the red oil up on the bridge, then go fill the lenses of the nav lights on top of the bridge. Yeah I know, it's a stretch, but the delivery is crucial for this joke to work. 

"Sunday services in #1"

The joke is . . .
It's sort of tradition to have fire and boat drills on Sunday. So when the new cadet, with his / her fancy uniforms, #1s, shows up on Sundays expecting to offer grace to the big guy up in the sky, they will end up greasing up their uniform during the boat drill. 

"The long weight"

The joke is . . .
When a new "Tiff" joined our ship, one of the first things he was required to do was assist the Chief in calibrating some piece of equipment or other. It didn't really matter what. At some stage, he'd be told to "nip down to the stores for a long weight." The store man, of course, would nod sagely, and go and see if there was one to be had. Our "wet behind the ears" tiffy, you've guest it, was hanging around for ages. -He had gone down to the stores and got "a long wait".

submitted by Chris Hartwell

"Cooling Water/Steam for the Hand Rails"

Many senior cadets had many other junior cadets searching high and low for the valve to turn on the cooling water/steam for the Pipe hand rails. It was with great enjoyment we would watch some poor seasick fellow or gal wander all over that little vessel looking for the valve I believe that some are still searching for that valve. 

Submitted by David Winsor

"Go bilge fishing" 

The joke is...
When cleaning the strainers, little critters and fish get into the bilge. When these critters get bigger, they can get into trouble and wreak machinery. So the cadet should hunt them down - well at least be a couple hours under the deck plates. 

Crazy Bearings

One for an annoying deck officer (or just someone you dislike)...
Lift up one of the tile panels on the deck head of the persons cabin, begin to throw copious amounts of ball bearings on top of the remaining panels. Lower panel and exit cabin. Pray for bad weather and extreme rolling of the vessel....... Sweet Dreams!!!!

Submitted by Matt Forster

Calibration of the Radar 

 ..get a newbee to dress out in tinfoil jacket and gloves and hat, send them to stand out on the bow lifting his arms every so often. Make sure to get pictures!

Submitted by Chad Friend

Get the Port List

There is always some list to check off when doing our day to day business. Arrival list, departure list, garbage list, fire list and now the Port List. But of course the engineering cadet will be shooed away as the Mate is too busy to draw it up right this minute, keep em coming back again and again. Of course a few up and downs to the bridge, will tune them in to the fact that the ship may be listing slightly to port or starboard - mmmm, port list.

 

For the seasoned crew

Ok, so the green guys are getting wiser and things are once again boring ! It's time to start playing the nasty practical jokes. Now, the usual slew of practical jokes you learn in college can be very well applied at sea, on a ship. The saran wrap around the toilet, the grease on the door handles, short-sheeting bunks and the likes all do very well. Additionally these other nasty tricks might do. . .

putting sardine oil in the unlucky person's roll on anti-per spirant; for stick deodorant, just replace it with a block of cheese flour in the person's bunk, just before they come back from a good night's drinking on shore leave icing sugar in a warm toasty bunk makes for and interesting get-up removing the pea trap of the victim's cabin sink grease the eyepieces of the binoculars remove and hide their cabin door neatly fold a mates sweater, dip it in water, then place in freezer grease the "ears" of the earmuffs

 

Tell em' some funny stuff...

A funny story or jokes are always welcome on a ship. So here are some engineer/seafarer type jokes. (please feel free to submit any you have)

 

Upmanship

An engineer, lawyer and CPA go together on a camping trip one summer. After a night of drinking around the campfire, the CPA stood up and said "Watch This!" he took out a pistol, threw his bottle of bourbon in the air and shot it.
The lawyer, not to be out done said, "that's nothing." He threw his bottle of scotch in the air and shot it blind-folded.
The engineer stood up and said "That's better, but it's still not worth a damn." He grabbed the pistol, shot the CPA and lawyer, and sat back down to finish his beer!

Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

 

Here a some common machinist terms explained

Machine - A mechanical device for the removal of redundant parts of the operator's anatomy. It is fitted with various lethal weapons, known as tools.

Machinist - A person suffering from the delusion that they control the above machine. Chiefly employed in exhibiting grossly inflated wage packets to non-engineering friends.

Tool Setter - An interesting animal kept by the management and trained to replace broken tools, etc. Is very docile when deprived of sleep.

Q.A. Inspector - A survivor of the Spanish Inquisition. His chief function is to weaken the machinist's nerve, thus rendering him easy prey to the machine. This is done by informing him that certain dimensions are oversize and, after adjustment, are then undersize by the same amount.

Estimator - An illiterate whose mental processes cannot assimilate the fact that there are only 60 minutes in an hour.

Tool-grinder - Someone who can grind a cutting edge on a tool and leave it in exactly the same state as before.

Reamer - A device for producing various patterns on a bore surface.

Tap - like a reamer but much more brittle

Test Gauge - An instrument made of metal which has the peculiar property of momentary expansion or contraction

Chargehand - Strict caution to be taken with this individual. From his frequent inquiries as to the number of hours you have worked, it must be assumed he is connected to the Income Tax authorities

Laborer - This specimen has no ambition, does nothing all day and stays on overtime to finish it. Always missing when wanted. Very obliging a week before Christmas.

Foreman - Very rarely seen except when you pick up a newspaper or fill in your football coupon

Wagepacket - delayed action bombshell

Bonus - Latin name for carrot

Scrap - See Swarf

Swarf - Chief product of engineering

Component - By-product of the manufacture of the above

Finish - An abstract term used by the Q.A. Inspector and something that is never good enough

Bolt - A cylindrical piece of metal with a helical screw on the outside that is either under or oversize

Nut - Something that never fits the above

Location diameter - A size that is never right and is always produced by another department

Faulty set-up - An accomplishment always achieved by the opposite shift

Model - A standard of excellence produced accidentally

Coolant pump - A device so designed as to deluge the machinist with oil or water when he is not looking

 

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

 

 ACHTUNG ! 

alles lookenspeepers

Das machina ist nicht fur

gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. lst

easy schnappender springenwerk,

blowenfusen mit spitzensparken.  1st

nicht fur gewerken bg das dummkopfen.

Das rubberneeken sightseeren keepen

hands in das pockets, relaxen und

watch das blinkenlights.

 

Sensitivity

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, So we let them play here
anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

 

 What do you say to a deck officer
working ashore?

"One Big Mac and fries please....."

 Submitted by Dave G.
Trainee Engineering Officer
P&O Portsmouth
UK

(?) did you know Steve McQueen was Oscar nominated for "best actor" for the part he played as engineer in the 1966 movie "The Sand Pebble"

 

A Captain and Chief Engineer were having the age old argument about who had the tougher job. Each believed they could perform the others duties without a problem. To prove this to each other they decided to swap positions while leaving port the next morning. The next morning the Captain took over the watch from the second engineer after all the machinery had been brought up.

The Chief took over the watch on the bridge from the mate once clear of the dock. It wasn't long before the Captain found things to be going wrong; all the machinery temperatures were rising to dangerous levels.

The Captain quickly called the bridge where the Chief answered.

Captain : Chief, you'd better get down here quickly. I'm about to lose all of the machinery!

Chief : Relax Captain, we just ran aground!

 

THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, some religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. 

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.

Marine Engineer MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET taken from the "Ideal Deckhand Manual"  Product name: Engineer Product code: r-u-up-2-69 W.H.M.I.S. classification: lower class if any class at all Material use: Not much use at all U.S.H.M.I.S. (GUIDELINE ONLY): Health- Generally an unhealthy lot Flammability- Unfortunately they do not burn very well Reactivity- Very slow (witted) Personal protection- Trojan extra heavy duty Hazardous ingredients: May contain alcohol, amphetamines, barbiturates or any number of psychedelic drugs  Physical data: Odor- Pungent odor Odor threshold- Not very long (perish the thought) Specific gravity- Should sink if secured to an anchor Density- Yes, they are extremely dense Reactivity data: Stability- can become very unstable if asked to think or make a decision Incompatibility with other lower life forms- No incompatibility (That’s a double negative to any engineers that may be having this read to them) Conditions of reactivity- Reactions?? Yea right! Toxicological properties: Route of entry- You do not want to go there Irritability- Is a severe irritant Mutagenicity- May cause heritable genetic damage Effects of acute exposure- May affect: ability to problem solve, I.Q., common sense. May cause headache and nausea. First aid measures: Skin- Wash affected areas with soap and water. Remove Contaminated clothing; if irritation persists, see doctor Eyes- Look the other way, irritating but does not injure eye tissue Additional info: The bilge dwellers are a lower fife form that should be avoided. In the days of sail, this was not a problem, life was good. Now we have to put up with them until an unmanned engine room comes along. Oh what a happy day that will be.

Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Dear Abby,

I have two brothers, one is a marine engineer and the other was just sentenced to death for killing a nun. My mother died of insanity when I was three. It seems to run in the family. My father sells drugs to kids. My two younger sisters are prostitutes. My former girlfriend died of AIDS. I`ve met this girl who was just released from prison.... (she smothered her illegitimate child ).

I love her very much and want to marry her. My problem is this. Should I tell her about my brother who is a marine engineer ?

Here to Serve

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 WHY I WANT TO BE A SHIP CAPTAIN*

"I want to be a Ship Captain when I grow up because it’s a fun job and easy to do. Captains don't need much school education; they just have to learn numbers so they can read instruments. I guess they should be able to read maps so they won't get lost.

Captains should be brave so they won't be scared if its foggy and they can't see; or if the propeller falls off they should stay calm so they know what to do. Captains have to have eyes to see through the clouds and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are closer to them than we are.

The salary that Captains make is another thing I like. They make more money than they can spend. This is because most people think captaining ships is dangerous, except captains, because they know how easy it is. There isn't much I don't like, except girls like captains and all the girls want to marry a captain so they always have to chase them away so they won't bother them.

I hope I don't get sea sick because I get car sick and if I get sea sick I could not be a Captain and then I would have to go out and work."

Written by a 10 year old schoolboy
Acknowledgements to the Journal of the AMOU, the IFSMA Newsletter and Bow Wave, Vol. 6, Jan '95, Issue 1

SHIP DEPARTMENT TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART (Fahrenheit) 

At +70º - Black Gang turns on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
 Deck Crew goes swimming.

At +60º - Black Gang starts turning on the heat.
Deck Crew plants gardens.

At +50º - Black Gang shivers uncontrollably.
Deck Crew sunbathes.

At +40º - Black Gang fingers won't work..
Deck Crew starts wearing T-Shirts with short sleeves.

At +30º - Engine Room coffee freezes.
Deck Gang eat coffee flavored ice cubes.

At +20º - Black Gang dons coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly
hats.
Deck Crew throws on a long sleeved T-shirt.

At +15º - Black Gang turns up the heat to full.
Deck Crew has a cookout before it gets cold.

At 0º - Black Gang begins freezing to death...
Deck Crew licks the mast.

At -20º - Black Gang evacuates to Samoa.
Deck Crew puts on a flannel shirt

At -40º - Black Gang fingers and toes disintegrate.
Deck Crew kids are back home selling cookies door to door.

At -60º - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Deck Crew postpones "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

At -80º - Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Deck Crew decide to watch some videos instead of fishing.

At -100º - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Deck Crew gets frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

At -297º - Microbial life no longer survives.
Deck Crew complain about wearing gloves with fingers.

At -460º - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
Deck Crew starts saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

At -500º - Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl.

That's when things get serious.

 

The professional and the sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He hires a prostitute named Sally and takes her up to a room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

He asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute named Sally replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sally says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

 

3 marine engineers die and go to heaven (of course) where they are greeted by St Peter at the pearly gates. "What type of engines have you spent the most time working on?" he asks. "Sulzers" replies one of the engineers to which a hole appears in the clouds and he falls straight to hell! "Pielsticks" replies the other who promptly suffers the same fate. "Rustons" says the last, to which the pearly gates swing open and St Peter announces "You my child may enter heaven, as you have already experienced hell!"

 

Top Ten Reasons to Date An Engineer

10) They are used to all niters
9) They get to learn what all those buttons on your calculator are for
8) They are always willing to experiment
7) They know how to decrease and increase friction
6) They know all about heat transfer
5) They do it with more torque
4) Engineering couples have better moments
4b) They know how to deal with stress and strain
3) They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
2) "Lubrication, Friction, and Wear" is really a class
And the number one reason to date an engineer....
1) They design and build larger erections

 

Are you a professional?

The following small quiz consists of 4 questions. It tells whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for the answers. 

The questions are not that difficult. 
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 

The correct answer is : open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. (Simple enough ?) 

This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ? 
 
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your prudence. 

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? 

Correct Answer: The Elephant 

The Elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests whether you have comprehensive thinking. 

OK, if you did not answer correctly the last three questions, this one may be your last chance to test your qualification to be a professional. 

4. There is a crocodile infested river with no bridges. How do you manage to get across it ? 

Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! 

I hope you got this one correct. Don't be frustrated, according to the statistics of Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 
90% of the professionals failed the exam. 

But most preschoolers got it correct which disproves the theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four year old. 

 

COROLLARIES TO MURPHY'S LAWS

1. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

2. Interchangeable parts won't.

3. Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical in the field.

4. A dropped tool will land where it can d the most damage (also known as the law of selective gravitation).

5. Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.

6. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms.

7. The probability of a dimension being omitted from a set of instructions is directly proportionate to its importance.

8. In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.

9. All constants are variable.

 

The engineer and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said "If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I'll stay with you."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.

The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the
frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you
kiss me?"

The engineer said: "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

A toast in the Nelson's Navy era

Mondays "our ship at sea" Tuesdays "our men" Wednesday "ourselves - as no one is likely to concern themselves with our welfare" Thursdays "a bloody war or a sickly season" Fridays "a willing foe and sea-room" Saturdays "sweethearts and wives (may they never meet)" Sundays "absent friends"

On the topic of rum...

"grog" was the term use for the British Navy's daily ration of half pint of rum, mix with a quarter pint of water. This tradition started in 1850 with Vice Admiral Edward "Old Grog" Vernon and ended in 1970, officially.

rumbullion - original word for rum. Distilled from molasses, a by-product of sugar refining bumboo - rum, water, sugar and nutmeg rumfustian - beer, gin, rum, raw eggs, sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg; heated together hangman's blood - a solution of rum, gin, brandy and dark beer

The seafarer and superstitions

Never kill a spider, that's bad luck Nailing your boots on a plank and throwing overboard, superstitious mariner say that this will bring good luck, i.e. your feet will never leave the deck "Juliet" is the only letter not designating a time zone since females are considered ominous Darren Williams submits the following superstitions from his time fishing... Leaving Port on Friday: Surpassing the grand-daddy of all superstitions, that it is bad luck to have women aboard, leaving port on a Friday is easily the most consistently applied superstition on the B.C. coast, and possibly abroad. It is thought that merchant and navy seamen developed this superstition in order to encourage the ship to stay in town for the most notorious night of the week in local watering holes. Calling the Ship a “Pig” - Implying fat, slow movement, it is believed this word will insult the character of the ship, leading to disaster, break-down or generally poor performance of the vessel. That calling the ship a “pig” would have a negative effect on her personality should be obvious. I don’t imagine there exists a single female personality that would suffer lightly being called a “pig”. Whistling - Whistling brings the wind. While it may not bring bad-luck, whistling is believed to cause the wind to blow. In some circumstances wind can be good, but in most, crewmembers are discouraged from whistling. It is also considered bad etiquette to whistle on someone else’s boat – as it is not your property and life alone that you endanger. Black Briefcases – Implying a sinister presence on the vessel, the origin of this superstition is unclear. Some fisherman, particularly trawlers, jested of the relevance of this superstition as the evil black briefcase became the general issue of Archipelago Marine Research’s fisheries observers in the mid 1990s. Hat on the Galley Table – This is a faux-superstition started by the cooks, masters of the galley. Really a matter of hygiene and good manners and not a real superstition at all, some crew members have been known to become mysteriously ill after insisting they place their hat on the galley table. “Strange”, says the cook. Hatch Upside Down - Placing a hatchcover or manhole upside down is bad luck. There are various explanations. Upside down covers forebode of a capsized vessel. Practically speaking, all hatches and manholes should be in the sealed position while at sea in any event; to do otherwise is said to be bad practice. This superstition is known to have been modified on some vessels to prohibit buckets of water from being placed on the hatchcover – possibly symbolizing standing water over the hatch, a bad situation in any case. Mugs Facing Astern – If coffee mugs are hung on the galley or wheelhouse wall, they must be facing (open side) astern. This quirky belief is thought to originate from the same practice that was common and necessary for sailors prior to closed-hull construction of vessels. Working and eating out in the open, your coffee cup would fill with salt water if it was not hanging astern. No Flowers - The association between flowers and funerals is most likely what makes having flowers on a boat to be unlucky. Opening Cans Upside Down – Any can opened upside down must be thrown out without consuming its contents. To do otherwise is bad luck. The rational basis for this is that when canned food became available on vessels around 1810 the early canning technology allowed some air into the cans. Some of these tin cans sat on vessels for so long that opening them the wrong way might expose the diner to eating corroded tin, a mild poison. Hypothetically, this superstition would require us to place all our cans in the locker upside down (so they can be opened upright with the poison side down). However, canning technology has eliminated air pockets that once used to be more common, and we no longer face this danger.

 

(THE) DEVIL TO PAY: Originally, the saying was "The devil to pay and no pitch hot." In the old wooden-hulled ships, devil seams joined the external hull timbers with the deck planking; there were also references to a devil seam back aft, where the hull timbers join at the rudder post. Seams were caulked, or sealed, by jamming oakum fibre into the gaps, then smearing the seam with melted pitch or tar. If one of these seams worked open in rough weather, a great deal of water could be shipped before it was repaired. This term is probably the origin of the term 'hell to pay'.

 

Off watch and need some ideas what book to read?

Well then here are some nautical/marine themed books to look up next time your at your favourite library or bookstore.

Supership - Noel Mostert In Hazard - Richard Hughes The Sea and the Jungle - H. M. Tomlinson The Serpent's Coil - Farley Mowat Gray Seas Under - Farley Mowat Shalimar - Capt. F.C.Hendry Return of The Coffin Ships: The Derbyshire Engima Das Boot: The Boat - Lothar-gunter Bucheim Lord Jim, Youth, Typhoon, Mirror of the Sea, End of the Tether, Nigger of the Narcissus, Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad Sea Wolf, Mutiny On the Elsinore - Jack London White Jacket, Redburn, Moby Dick - Herman Melville Voyage, Wanderer - Sterling Hayden Captain - Jean De Hartog Wreck of the Mary Deare - Hammond Innes The Cruel Sea - Nicholas Monsarrat Hairy Ape, Thirst, Long Voyage Home - sea plays by Eugene O'Neill The Caine Mutiny - Herman Wouk Islands In the Stream, To Have and Have Not - Ernest Hemingway Tales of the South Pacific, Return to Paradise - James Michener The Bounty Trilogy - Mutiny On the Bounty, Men Against the Sea, Pitcairns Island - Nordhoff and Hall The African Queen - C.S. Forester The Brassbounder - David Bone H.M.S. Ulyses - Alistair MacLean The Riddle of the Sands - Erskine Childers The Oxford Book of the Sea, The Oxford Book of Sea  Stories Slow Boat to China, Slow Boat Home, In Search of Conrad - Gavin Young Ride out the Storm - Roger Vercel Seamans Bible, Para Handy Tales - Niel Munro The Wreck of the Grosvenor - W. Clark Russell The Perfect Storm: A True Story of Men Against the Sea - Sebastian Junger Looking for a ship - John McPhee High Seas High Risk: The Story of the Sudburys (Seaspan history) - P. W. Norris San Andreas - Allistar MacClean Highliner - William McCloskey Moby Dick, by Herman Melville The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway Captains Courageous, by Rudyard Kipling Bird of Dawning, by John Masefield The Wreck of the Grosvenor, by W. Clark Russell Lord Jim, by Joseph Conrad The Distant Shore, by Jan de Hartog Delilah, Marcus Goodrich Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson Gallions Reach, by H.M. Tomlinson Captain Blood, Rafael Sabatini H.M.S. Ulysses, Alistair MacLean The Wreck of the Mary Deare, Hammond Innes A Prayer for the Ship, Douglas Reeman Mister Roberts, Thomas Heggin Submerged, Edward Ellsberg Call of the Offshore Mind, Ralph Paine Blood Knot, Sam Llewellyn The Hunt for Red October, Tom Clancy Voyage, Sterling Hayden River Queen (story of Lucille Macdonald of Rivtow) by Levi The Sand Pebbles by Richard McKenna The Sons of Martha and Other Stories by Richard McKenna. "Of particular note is "King's Horsemen". That one will keep you flipping pages." Writes Tom W. "Uncommon Carriers" by John McPhee. These were collected from his "Annals of Transportation" stories in "The New Yorker" magazine

He who goes to sea for pleasure would go to hell for a pastime.

- Samuel Johnson

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. 

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again divert your course. 

Canadians: No. I say again you divert your course. 

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. 

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. 

 

These are actually evaluation comments of an employee...

"....since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has now started to dig."

"...when she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change change foot."

"...donated his brain to science before he had finished with it."

"...if you gave this employee a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"...if you stand close enough to her, you can hear the sea." 

Seaman, with their inherent sense of order, service, and discipline, should really be running the world.

-Anonymous

The Store Keeper

We were deploying to the Gulf. Time was tight, tempers short. One of our fire-pumps was playing up, the suction strainer was knackered, and needed to be replaced. I knew we carried one, and authorized it to be drawn from the stores. Now, I know that a Store's called a Store because it's for storing things in, and if it was meant for issuing things from it'd be called an Issue, but...... 

15 minutes later, I got a call from the chief of section. The Dusties wouldn't release it. I went down to find out why. With dead-pan face and irrefutable logic, I was told "Yessir, I've got the part. Nossir, you can't have it. 'Cos I've only got one, and if I give it to you I won't have any left. Wot'll I do if someone wants one then?" I'll leave what happened next to your imagination, but the fire pump worked fine after that. 

submitted by Chris Hartwell

 

A prayer for the stressed

Lord. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on as they may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work; 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

Help me to remember ... when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are really trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

Maybe you have heard about the Freedom Ship project. Here is the Beaufort Wind Scale as it applies to the project ship.

0 All fishing boats are out.
Merchant ships curses the fog.
Freedom ship fully booked.
Badly stressed large bulk carriers collapse in port.

1 Pleasure yachts go out to take advantage of the wind.
Freedom ship applying 2 degrees drift to keep course.

2 Catamarans start shaking.
Pleasure yachts start heeling.
Freedom ship applying 5 degrees drift to keep course.

3 Some yachts head back to marina.
Surfers go out.
Freedom ship applying 10 degrees drift to keep course.

4 Many yachts head back to marina.
Catamaran start bumping.
Freedom ship applying 15 degrees drift to keep course.

5 Only a few yachts remain at sea.
Catamaran start to slow down.
Merchant ships finally get rid of the fog.
Lower windows of Freedom ship washed by sprays.

6 The coast guard is on alert to recover a few yachts still at sea.
Surfers have fun.
First lower windows of Freedom ship smashed.

7 Catamarans consider a critical situation.
On coasters it is not any more possible to eat soup.
Freedom ship drifting in the direction of the wind, rush of passenger to
the flight deck.

8 Catamarans remain in port or are smashed by the waves.
Bulk carriers start shaking as a diving plank.
Surfers consider rejoining the beach.
Freedom ship now taking water through smashed windows, passengers advised
to wear life jackets.

9 All ferry services are delayed.
Fishing boat consider picking up gear.
All ships in the vicinity required to assist in the saving of the 70.000
passengers and crew of the Freedom ship.

10 Catamarans still at sea have their bow plate smashed.
Empty and underpowered bulkers go astern with the wind.
Freedom ship heeling 20 degrees due to free surface.
Old tankers break in two.

11 Bulk carriers have cracks in frames and outer shell.
Catamarans falling apart.
Freedom ship founders taking 60.000 lives.

12 Bulk carriers loaded with iron ore in alternate holds founder.
Roll on Roll off ferries capsize.
Coasters consider heaving to.
Fishing boats stop fishing.

Gear which falls from aloft is usually harder than the head it falls upon.

- John Irving

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated: This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1.00 Knowing where to put it: $49,999.00.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 

Dave Barry

FROM A SHIP'S MASTER:

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you: regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own opinions from reports in the world press. I am sure that they will tend to over-dramatize the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the "C" flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to "let go." The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

At this moment, the Chief Officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress, and, thinking that it was the anchor that was being referred to, repeated the "let go" to the third officer on the forecastle.

The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the hawse pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out. I fear the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer to port, right towards a swing bridge that spans the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop the vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a car, two cyclists and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company is at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say are pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the ship, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use, for it fell onto the swing bridge operator's control cabin. After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph, and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was to be a film tonight; my reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Back aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing hawser down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring for full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing hawser delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.